Friday, March 27, 2009

Lifestyle vs. Fetish

When Mr. X first brought to my attention that he'd enjoy a more submissive role in our relationship, I admit that I lept before I looked. After all, I'm always open to trying almost anything once. So, when he told me what he'd like, I said "OK" without really thinking of the consequences of my decision.

It occurs to me now that there's a fine line between having a wife-led marriage and, well, being my husband's Mama. I am interested in the former, not so interested in the latter. I don't intend to parent anyone who did not emerge from my uterus, or whom I did not adopt. And, well, anyone who is not actually a child requiring parenting.

I am sure there are a lot of wrinkles we'll have to iron out, and this is the first. For the past week, this has felt more like mothering than being the mistress of the household. I've had to nag, cajole, threaten and punish, and he is still not toeing the line as I'd like.

I don't want to nag. I don't want to micromanage. I believe that if he really wants to be submissive, he will do as I've asked simply because I asked it. After all, if this is what he wants, then it should be easy for him. I should simply ask for what I need/want and it will be accomplished. If it cannot be accomplished, it will be discussed and an alternative that pleases me will be settled on. This requires communication on his part, and Mr. X has not historically excelled at communication.

Granted, I will have to cut him a bit of slack right now, as he's got a condition that we're both aware of, but that he had been negligent in attending to before we settled on this arrangement. He has since made an appointment to be seen by a doctor to diagnose and treat the condition, but this appointment is not until April 30, which is a considerable amount of time away. In the meantime, Mr. X has less than no energy, and is impossible to wake when he falls asleep. This leads to some considerable problems, as I'm sure you can imagine.

At any rate, we discussed this in detail last night after Mr. X completed his sentences, and I think what will help this feel less like parenting will be that Mr. X will continue to be responsible for his own self-care--he will bathe daily, will maintain exceptional personal hygiene and will continue to be responsible for waking and going to work in a timely fashion without my assistance.

I want this to be an arrangement that works to make everything for the better--that makes Mr. X happy and that makes our house run smoother. I'm not going to start sporting fetish wear as part of my everyday ensemble, and I won't start packing a riding crop in my purse (the corset imagery on the page is more to express femininity, and because I think they're pretty. And, well, I never said I wouldn't OCCASIONALLY want to bust out the leather corset). This is a real-life relationship--I love Mr. X and respect him as a person. Simply because our marriage has become wife-led does not indicate that we're changing anything other than who is the decision maker in our relationship.

I've been trying to find online evidence of other people who live the same way--who don't make this change and embrace the overt sexual tones that most people consider part of the lifestyle. It seems like a double standard that when the male is dominant, nobody automatically thinks of ball gags and bondage collars--but if the woman is in charge, people immediately start asking where your leather corset and male chastity gear are from. While the sexual component is part of this, for sure, Mr. X suggested this arrangement as a way to change our lives for the better, because he believes that I make better decisions for our family.

Anyway, I'll keep looking, but it's hard to find people who embrace the wife-led concept, but not the extremes of a BDSM lifestyle. I'll keep looking--Mr. X helped me find a few this evening, and I've linked the ones that interested me on the menu on the left. Happy reading!

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