Tuesday, June 16, 2009


I think that I've been going about this all wrong. See, I had this CRAZY idea that punishments should be when things are done wrong, and when punishing, the punishment should not be something that the wrongdoer would enjoy.

The thing is, I'm a Mom. I came at the situation with a Mom perspective. Punishment is NOT to be fun. Punishment is to be...well, punishment! But submissive men are not like children. Submissive men with a masochistic bent are even LESS like children. This is a very, very good thing, because if you've been reading for a bit, you'll know that I struggle with finding ways to make this less like parenting.

Anyway, I had an experience with an all-weather padlock and Mr. X's testicles (used in conjunction) that sort of catalyzed an epiphany for me.

Mr. X needs kink-based punishments to make him want to serve. See, I had it backwards. I thought that if I gave him the physical punishment he wanted as a response to bad behavior, he'd continue to behave poorly in order to obtain more physical punishment. I was wrong! So wrong!

I'm learning now that what he needs in response to misbehavior is the physical punishment. Not as a reward, but as an enticement for him to do better next time. He might want the physical punishment as a masochist (and he might even enjoy it, too), but as a submissive guy, he also really NEEDS to please me. For Mr. X, that submissive part is wired a little tighter than the masochistic part, so regardless of how I punish him, he's not going to seek my wrath, because no matter how much he enjoys these punishments, they counter his desire to serve and please me. That desire will always trump the enjoyment he gets from the punishment.

HOWEVER, having said that, he still needs the punishment so he can get his fix and continue to want to serve me. After all, service without reward isn't fun and gets old after time. I can appreciate that.

But, I will say, that padlock is magic shit, people. He's been wrapped around my finger since, and I even let him have an orgasm that day. That's BIG--usually after an orgasm it takes him a day or two to get back to his more service-oriented self. After the padlock, though, he's been in the zone without any real effort from me. Like I said, I'm getting it.

And another thing that we're both getting is that this isn't fun if we make it work and force it to happen 24/7. Sometimes he isn't in a mood to listen to me. Sometimes I am not in a mood to dictate to him. Sometimes I just want to be Mr and Miss X and not Mr X the sub and Miss X the domme.

Sometimes I just want to kick my feet up in the recliner and not on his back. Sometimes I don't want to make decisions, and sometimes when he's had a bad day, Mr X doesn't want to have me demanding he do the dishes.

If this isn't fun, then it's not worth it to me. It's a lot of work and it's a lot of unlearning of habits that we've built up over 10 years. Sometimes we both need a break, even if it doesn't happen at the same time.

So we've got a token (it's the padlock) that sits in a place in our home now. It's not anything that anyone would think was strange or out of place, nothing we'll ever have to explain to my Mama. And if it's there, then game on. We're in the roles we both prefer to be. But, when he needs a break, or I do, for a day or two, the padlock gets hidden away. When it's not there, then we both know to keep it more "vanilla" or "traditional". This is only for breaks of a day or two, anything longer bears discussion. I'm just tired of him yanking this lifestyle off the table every time we have an argument. It's not fair and it's manipulation. I'm not willing to go back to what we had, especially since it didn't work and this is who I am.

And when I'm ready to get back into things, I put the lock back where it belongs. When he's ready, he presents the lock to me and gets to spend a little time wearing it before it goes back in its place. Although, I also kind of like the idea that before I put the lock back after a break I've initiated, he still needs to wear it for a while. Hmmm. that needs some more thinking about.

I like the idea--I like that it leaves his lack of submission for a time, or my lack of dominance in the "things unsaid" column for a while. We don't need to talk about everything, and often such conversation turns into an argument anyway. This solves the problem!

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Status Quo

Mr. X and I had a conversation about his appalling behavior last night. He wasn't even aware that he'd reverted back to behaviors that have become habit over the course of our 10 year history.

I get that. I get that there's an element of habit in how we'd been treating each other, but if you don't make an effort to overcome bad habits, then they never go away.

Anyway, we're going to be working to find a way to help him break these habits. A sticker chart was mentioned, and although it feels like parenting to me, if he'd find it motivational, I'll do it. Getting the outcome I want is worth some effort...but I still need to be getting something back, too.

But, it's all about the journey, not the destination, eh? We'll plod along!

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Diminished Capacity

It's possible that Mr. X thinks I'm an idiot. Or he'd at least LIKE to think that about me. But, I don't think it takes a rocket scientist to get the idea that he's only into being in an FLR when it suits him. I'll point out a few things that are leading me to this conclusion.
  1. Yesterday morning, he was all over referring to me as "Miss X" and being super respectful. Oh--wait, did I forget to point out that he wanted a little bedroom play? And that once we got up and started our day, there was no more "Miss X", and we were back to our normal disrespectful "Yup" and "Sure" and "Whatever"? Don't think the connection was lost on me. I didn't even let him come, and he's STILL treating me like shit. He STILL only busts out the pseudo-respect when he thinks he stands to gain something.
  2. He watched a movie last night that I didn't want to join him in watching. Wait, this requires backstory: He put our oldest child to bed last night, and while he was headed to her room, I advised him to not fall asleep on her floor, but to come back down so we could spend some time with each other. Also, I had the baby, and he needed to get her to bed, too. I waited over an hour, and then I gave up on him. I took the baby and went to bed. He then spent some time doing something on the computer and then came upstairs and WOKE ME UP to ask if I wanted to watch this movie. He watched it alone. At any rate, the movie was called Quarantine, and when I asked him what it was about this morning, he said "Quarantine" in a tone of voice that made me want to punch him, and went back to sleep.
  3. The home maintenance tasks he agreed to take on himself and complete in a timely fashion are not being done. I need to point this out again: taking charge of the chores was HIS idea. He submitted a schedule of chores to me that HE would do, on a schedule that he submitted for my approval. None of those tasks got done. None of them are getting done. He is doing NOTHING that he promised he would do. This is a pattern we've apparently salvaged from our "vanilla" relationship...and boy did I ever hope it'd go far, far away.
  4. I asked him to both post an intro at She Makes The Rules (which, I might add, is a site HE directed me to for information. I've become very active there, and I enjoy the people. I think it's not too much to ask for him to be involved in the site) and to post a blog entry here since he has yet to do so. I asked that he make his participation at SMTR a weekly occurrence at first, but advised that I'd want to see him participate more as he became more comfortable there. He posted one intro post there and has yet to post here. Oh, wait, it gets better--I asked him to do this BEFORE he watched a movie about a week ago, only to find neither request done, but the movie sure got watched.
  5. My requests for daily showering and tooth brushing are being completely ignored. He is not putting on clean clothing daily. In fact, on each instance when we've come inside from swimming at the pool, he's failed to change out of his swim trunks, and simply wears them as pants.
  6. I made a rule that he is to acknowledge that I am speaking to him verbally--as in, if I say something to him, I require a verbal response. He isn't doing this, which makes me feel ignored and disrespected.
  7. His shitty attitude in general is pissing me off. I didn't like this sort of thing when we were in a "Regular" relationship, and it's making me even madder now.
What I'm getting here is that he thinks it's fun to play around with this when he wants to. He's yanking me around like I'm the one on a leash, and I have to say, I'm starting to lose some respect for him. I also don't really care if this embarrasses him or not--that I just posted on the internet that my husband cannot be bothered to bathe daily or to brush his teeth even one time a day--he stood next to me last night at the grocery store, talking to me, and my eyes literally watered from his breath. I don't understand why he thinks I'd want to be intimately involved with someone who clearly has so little self-respect. If nothing else, he should consider that *I* value myself enough to have higher standards than to want to kiss someone whose breath could clear a room.

And I also kind of hope it does embarrass him a little--I hope he can look at those things and say "She's right. I'm fucking this up." but I really don't think that Mr. X is capable of that level of introspection. Also? He's so completely unreliable that I wouldn't believe it if he DID tell me that he was wrong and he'd change. He'd have to show me, and Mr. X fails in that capacity every time we have issues. The laziness is completely unbelievable--there's rarely any action on his part, just a lot of hot air and meaningless rhetoric.

HE brought this idea (me being dominant) to my attention. HE wanted to do it. I said I would--and I'm positive that a lot of other women would have run for the hills. *I* did not. This was not my idea, it was HIS, so why am i getting so much freaking attitude about it?! I'm not forcing him to do anything he hasn't said he wanted OR anything that he hasn't suggested himself.

And, you know, I had this idea to do this scene for him next Saturday, when we already have a sitter for the girls, but it's too much work to do for such an asshole. This is ALL too much work to do for someone who's either too fucking lazy to live the way he SAYS he wants to live, or who's just too untrustworthy to be a man of his word. I'm about an inch away from doing what any smart person would do--I'm going to take my toys and go home and let him play by himself. I didn't enjoy being ignored and being second to his all-pervasive desire to sleep his ENTIRE life away BEFORE we started this, and it's even less fun when he's asking me to give him orders and then ignoring the fuck out of them.

This is bullshit. I'm furious and I'm completely over it.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Sassy Pants

Mr. X is getting sassy with me of late, and I am not pleased at all. To wit, we had this conversation last night.

Me: What happened to you replenishing my iced tea when I run out? It's been three days!
Mr. X: Oh really? I thought it had only been a day and a half.
Me: It sounds like you're criticizing me, Mr. X.
Mr. X: No, I'm just pointing out that you're exaggerating.
Me: Make some iced tea (I was gritting my teeth while I said this).
Mr. X: Yup.
Me: And that's another thing--didn't I tell you to call me Miss X?
Mr. X: Yup.
Me: Don't you mean "Yes, Miss X?"
Mr. X: *gusty sigh and major sarcastic tone* YES, Miss X.

And then...oh, you'll never guess what the little shit did to me then. Do you know what he did while he sarcastically obeyed me in a less than sincere and devoted way?


What should I do to my bratty husband who is behaving like a spoiled teenager?

I did what any good parent does to a bratty child. I ignored him.


This has been the tone of our relationship for a bit now. Mr. X wanted to put our overt displays of my dominance on hold while a relative visited, and I agreed, because I am not insensitive to the position this "alternative lifestyle" puts Mr. X in.

However. Having met this close relative and his wife, I can safely say that nobody would have been shocked if Mr. X had "come out", so to speak. The men in his family tend to prefer their women a little on the....let's say "leadership oriented" track.

Regardless, I allowed him this courtesy. The houseguests left last week, and Mr. X has been all talk and no action since. He has been snotty and impossible to deal with. He has failed to obey me on any number of occasions, and has been downright inconsiderate to my face. I woudln't tolerate this in a "typical" relationship and I'll be damned if I'll deal well with it if I'm leading things. I think a retraining of sorts is in order, and I'm planning as we speak.

Because there are consequences for rolling your eyes at Miss X. And for not having iced tea when she wants it.

Golly. I think I just finished off another pitcher. Good thing it's bedtime...

You've been warned, Cowboy.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Working Out the Kinks

Well, things are progressing. We're having a problem with expectations--he expects me to be the Domme of his fantasies, and I...well, I'm me. After 10 years, you might think he'd have more reasonable expectations of who I am and what I'm capable of, but I think that's all gone by the wayside in all of the excitement and the newness of this change.

Here's what I think. If he wants me to be the one in charge, the one who makes the rules, then it seems like what he wants me to be, or how he wants me to do this, are relatively immaterial, right? Because this isn't just some acting job I'm doing, this isn't pretend, this is my life. This is the structure of our family. This is who I am and how I am.

I don't bark orders. I don't like to nag. I'm not going to whip him constantly, or carry a paddle around in my purse. I'm going to tell him what needs doing and tell him when it needs to be done--and I will make sure that my time frame is reasonable. And then the ball is in his court. He either does it and gets it done on time and receives my praise and affection, or he does not and faces my wrath.

Right now we're working with some honor-based chastity. We're not willing to purchase and use a male chastity device...yet. I like the idea of keeping him chaste on his own willpower and self-restraint, not because he physically cannot act in a way to be less than chaste. It seems more submissive if he has to do it on his own.

We'll see how practical that is in time, though! It seems to be minimally more effective than some of the other things I'd tried (nagging, spanking, humiliation), so maybe this is our ticket. I might need to be a little less permissive--I've allowed him to touch himself provided he does not orgasm, but I think that needs to stop. Currently I've been denying him just until his task is complete, but he's working a task tonight that I do not think he'll finish. If he does not, he'll get another week of no lovin' and another night to finish. Every night he fails me, he gets another week.

We're still having problems with laziness, so I've got some ideas for some really creative punishments that I got from http://www.shemakestherules.com and I'm sure I'll be trying those out soon. And we're having some issues with Mr. X sending me links and such to tips and advice on how to lead as a female. I know he's well intentioned, but it's going to have to stop. It feels like he's trying to "top from the bottom" and I can't have that. It's either my way (which is what he says he wants) or it's no go.

Anyway, progress! Little by little!

Friday, April 3, 2009

Unsubmissive Sub

So, I don't get it.

If this is what Mr. X SWEARS that he wants--has sworn up and down on several nights, in fact--then why is it so hard? Why doesn't he just do it?

It's been nearly two weeks since we started this "experiment", and I have one thing to note:

Our kitchen is not yet clean.

Our kitchen is roughly five foot square--no, I'm not kidding. It's not so much a kitchen as a really useful hallway from the garage to the dining room. It's five square feet of space and it's not clean yet.

So, if he wants me to give him tasks, things to do that will please me, why isn't this done? I've punished, I've told him he can't "take care of business" until it's done, I even tried to forbid him from watching the ER finale (Mr. X is an ER fan), and still, it's not done. I've asked nicely, I've tried asking flirtatiously. I've tried NOT asking and just leaving him to his own devices. I've tried nagging and not nagging.

Don't get me wrong, progress has been made. The fridge is clean enough to eat off the shelves (although now it is somewhat more on the empty side than is strictly useful) and portions of the counters are clean as can be. But there is a hideous abundance of dishes to be washed, the inside of the microwave is an environmental hazard, the new over-the-range microwave is still sitting in a box in the garage and the floor (which is supposed to be clean enough for him to eat off of) is STICKY. Words can't express how gross I find that.

No, the only way Mr. X will clean the kitchen is if I throw a magnificent fit and sit in the living room and supervise. Which is what is happening tonight.

And seriously? This is a bunch of crap. I'm not his mother, I ought not to have to constantly micromanage and supervise him. To me, if this is so difficult for him to do, then this is NOT what he wants. But he insists that he does want it.

I'm at a loss. Frankly, I'm not equipped to deal with this nonsense. To me, you act in accordance to your desires, right? If I want a sandwich, I make a sandwich. Then, when I want it, not two weeks later when someone bullies me into making it. If I have to sit on top of him and nag him and be a bitch, then this does not meet my needs. It does not make me happy.

It's starting to feel somewhat like Mr. X wants a Mama. This is the only thing I've really asked of him in two weeks. Just get the kitchen clean. If he'd have done it in a timely fashion, I'd have found another task, which is what he says he wants me to do.

And really, the kitchen wasn't a swampy hellhole to start with. It was messy, and it was in need of a solid spring cleaning. I get that the fridge took him a while, I respect that. But the reason this isn't done is because there was just SO MUCH to do, it's because Mr. X has been LAZY.

Maybe he can explain it to anyone reading in the comments section, because I'm at a loss.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Lifestyle vs. Fetish

When Mr. X first brought to my attention that he'd enjoy a more submissive role in our relationship, I admit that I lept before I looked. After all, I'm always open to trying almost anything once. So, when he told me what he'd like, I said "OK" without really thinking of the consequences of my decision.

It occurs to me now that there's a fine line between having a wife-led marriage and, well, being my husband's Mama. I am interested in the former, not so interested in the latter. I don't intend to parent anyone who did not emerge from my uterus, or whom I did not adopt. And, well, anyone who is not actually a child requiring parenting.

I am sure there are a lot of wrinkles we'll have to iron out, and this is the first. For the past week, this has felt more like mothering than being the mistress of the household. I've had to nag, cajole, threaten and punish, and he is still not toeing the line as I'd like.

I don't want to nag. I don't want to micromanage. I believe that if he really wants to be submissive, he will do as I've asked simply because I asked it. After all, if this is what he wants, then it should be easy for him. I should simply ask for what I need/want and it will be accomplished. If it cannot be accomplished, it will be discussed and an alternative that pleases me will be settled on. This requires communication on his part, and Mr. X has not historically excelled at communication.

Granted, I will have to cut him a bit of slack right now, as he's got a condition that we're both aware of, but that he had been negligent in attending to before we settled on this arrangement. He has since made an appointment to be seen by a doctor to diagnose and treat the condition, but this appointment is not until April 30, which is a considerable amount of time away. In the meantime, Mr. X has less than no energy, and is impossible to wake when he falls asleep. This leads to some considerable problems, as I'm sure you can imagine.

At any rate, we discussed this in detail last night after Mr. X completed his sentences, and I think what will help this feel less like parenting will be that Mr. X will continue to be responsible for his own self-care--he will bathe daily, will maintain exceptional personal hygiene and will continue to be responsible for waking and going to work in a timely fashion without my assistance.

I want this to be an arrangement that works to make everything for the better--that makes Mr. X happy and that makes our house run smoother. I'm not going to start sporting fetish wear as part of my everyday ensemble, and I won't start packing a riding crop in my purse (the corset imagery on the page is more to express femininity, and because I think they're pretty. And, well, I never said I wouldn't OCCASIONALLY want to bust out the leather corset). This is a real-life relationship--I love Mr. X and respect him as a person. Simply because our marriage has become wife-led does not indicate that we're changing anything other than who is the decision maker in our relationship.

I've been trying to find online evidence of other people who live the same way--who don't make this change and embrace the overt sexual tones that most people consider part of the lifestyle. It seems like a double standard that when the male is dominant, nobody automatically thinks of ball gags and bondage collars--but if the woman is in charge, people immediately start asking where your leather corset and male chastity gear are from. While the sexual component is part of this, for sure, Mr. X suggested this arrangement as a way to change our lives for the better, because he believes that I make better decisions for our family.

Anyway, I'll keep looking, but it's hard to find people who embrace the wife-led concept, but not the extremes of a BDSM lifestyle. I'll keep looking--Mr. X helped me find a few this evening, and I've linked the ones that interested me on the menu on the left. Happy reading!

Obedience Training.

Mr. X has been singularly disobedient as of late. In the past four days, he has performed (in a mediocre fashion) on only two evenings. The other two evenings, he's decided that it's more important to be lazy and sleep. Thus, our kitchen is only halfway functional and my legs are reaching an itchiness level that is nearly intolerable. Not to mention that he spent the entire day at home today and did not accomplish one single thing that I had asked of him!

One would think that he'd be more inclined to stay in my good graces, but he is clearly not so inclined. I had planned to have him complete his dish cleaning duties while wearing nothing but a pair of my panties, but that no longer seems severe enough. I will have to consider what to do and update you on that later. There will be pictures, of course. I'll blur his face, but that's to protect me more than him.

At any rate, part of his punishment is going to be writing sentences. Since he is acting like a child, I will treat him as one.

1) I will not disobey Miss X.
2) I will not disobey Miss X.
3) I will not disobey Miss X.
4) I will not disobey Miss X.
5) I will not disobey Miss X.
6) I will not disobey Miss X.
7) I will not disobey Miss X.
8) I will not disobey Miss X.
9) I will not disobey Miss X.
10) I will not disobey Miss X.
11) I will not disobey Miss X.
12) I will not disobey Miss X.
13) I will not disobey Miss X.
14) I will not disobey Miss X.
15) I will not disobey Miss X.
16) I will not disobey Miss X.
17) I will not disobey Miss X.
18) I will not disobey Miss X.
19) I will not disobey Miss X.
20) I will not disobey Miss X.
21) I will not disobey Miss X.
22) I will not disobey Miss X.
23) I will not disobey Miss X.
24) I will not disobey Miss X.
25) I will not disobey Miss X.
26) I will not disobey Miss X.
27) I will not disobey Miss X.
28) I will not disobey Miss X.
29) I will not disobey Miss X.
30) I will not disobey Miss X.
31) I will not disobey Miss X.
32) I will not disobey Miss X.
33) I will not disobey Miss X.
34) I will not disobey Miss X.
35) I will not disobey Miss X.
36) I will not disobey Miss X.
37) I will not disobey Miss X.
38) I will not disobey Miss X.
39) I will not disobey Miss X.
40) I will not disobey Miss X.
41) I will not disobey Miss X.
42) I will not disobey Miss X.
43) I will not disobey Miss X.
44) I will not disobey Miss X.
45) I will not disobey Miss X.
46) I will not disobey Miss X.
47) I will not disobey Miss X.
48) I will not disobey Miss X.
49) I will not disobey Miss X.
50) I will not disobey Miss X.

Yes, he did type them all himself, no copying and pasting occurred. I watched him to make sure. Also, Mr. X is a poor typist, so this was rather more punishment than you might think.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Averagely Ordinary.

I am Miss X. If you met me in real life, away from the internet, you'd probably look right through me. Most anyone who saw me wouldn't think past considering that I'm a plain-jane, ordinary housewife. There isn't much remarkable about me on first sight, I fade easily into the woodwork. Although I'm opinionated and frequently witty, it would take time for you to notice that--that's if you even chose to engage me in conversation. My husband isn't much different. In fact, he's quiet, so there might not even be a time when you'd notice him enough to strike up a casual chat. If you did, you wouldn't get much out of him.

No, there's not much star quality about either of us. We're typical people, blending easily into crowds and going about our normal lives in a normal, average way. But, we have a secret. It's a secret life we play out under the perfect averageness of our every day. If you saw us in public and paid attention, you might notice something different about how we talk to each other, the roles we play.

Do you think you can guess our secret? It's not hard, given the clues above. Our secret is this--my husband is not the dominant character in our household. He is not the head, regardless that he brings home the paycheck. He does not make decisions, is not allowed to drive our family vehicle without permission. His first priority is to do my bidding in all things, from shaving my legs and brushing my hair, to doing the housework and providing me with a lifestyle that I can be pleased with.

This is not a blog about sex. It is an adult blog, but not for pornographic reasons. This is a blog for me to talk about what I am learning about our marriage and my husband. We have been together for ten years, and this is a facet of him that I am just now being introduced to. This is a place for me to talk about that and to discuss what it's like to be the controller of this relationship in a society where more frequently the male is dominant. We don't do heavy bondage, aren't into extremes of pain. I will spank him and inflict punishments on him for disobedience and not pleasing me, but nothing that would make any self-respecting male fear for his genital integrity.

This is not a place for judgment. As a friend of mine likes to say, everyone's got their kink. It doesn't matter what yours is, because whatever makes you and your partner happy is nobody's business but yours. This makes us happy right now--it might make us blissful for the rest of time, or we might decide this isn't us in a week or two. I don't know, but for now, this is who we are. There's an ass for every seat, and our asses have found this seat.

This IS a place for respectful conversation. I will delete anyone who cares to toss insults and denigrate our relationship. If you'd like to voice your negative opinions, start your own blog. If you'd like to ask questions or chat about our choices and what it's like to live this way, bring it on.

This is going to be a place to laugh and have fun. I will make jokes with Mr. X and at his expense as well. I enjoy a good laugh, and some say I have a great sense of humor. Not everything in our life centers around this, but Mr. X and I both believe that sailing is smoother with a woman captain, and I make the best decisions for our family. The focus of this blog will be our lifestyle roles, but occasionally there will be times to chat about other fun things.

This is also going to be a place for Mr. X to post his confessions and pictures of his punishments as they're needed. Perhaps I'll allow him to post his own opinions on the rare occasion when I allow him to have one.

Deep breath, now...game on!