Status Quo

Mr. X and I had a conversation about his appalling behavior last night. He wasn't even aware that he'd reverted back to behaviors that have become habit over the course of our 10 year history.

I get that. I get that there's an element of habit in how we'd been treating each other, but if you don't make an effort to overcome bad habits, then they never go away.

Anyway, we're going to be working to find a way to help him break these habits. A sticker chart was mentioned, and although it feels like parenting to me, if he'd find it motivational, I'll do it. Getting the outcome I want is worth some effort...but I still need to be getting something back, too.

But, it's all about the journey, not the destination, eh? We'll plod along!

Working Out the Kinks

Well, things are progressing. We're having a problem with expectations--he expects me to be the Domme of his fantasies, and I...well, I'm me. After 10 years, you might think he'd have more reasonable expectations of who I am and what I'm capable of, but I think that's all gone by the wayside in all of the excitement and the newness of this change.

Here's what I think. If he wants me to be the one in charge, the one who makes the rules, then it seems like what he wants me to be, or how he wants me to do this, are relatively immaterial, right? Because this isn't just some acting job I'm doing, this isn't pretend, this is my life. This is the structure of our family. This is who I am and how I am.

I don't bark orders. I don't like to nag. I'm not going to whip him constantly, or carry a paddle around in my purse. I'm going to tell him what needs doing and tell him when it needs to be done--and I will make sure that my time frame is reasonable. And then the ball is in his court. He either does it and gets it done on time and receives my praise and affection, or he does not and faces my wrath.

Right now we're working with some honor-based chastity. We're not willing to purchase and use a male chastity device...yet. I like the idea of keeping him chaste on his own willpower and self-restraint, not because he physically cannot act in a way to be less than chaste. It seems more submissive if he has to do it on his own.

We'll see how practical that is in time, though! It seems to be minimally more effective than some of the other things I'd tried (nagging, spanking, humiliation), so maybe this is our ticket. I might need to be a little less permissive--I've allowed him to touch himself provided he does not orgasm, but I think that needs to stop. Currently I've been denying him just until his task is complete, but he's working a task tonight that I do not think he'll finish. If he does not, he'll get another week of no lovin' and another night to finish. Every night he fails me, he gets another week.

We're still having problems with laziness, so I've got some ideas for some really creative punishments that I got from http://www.shemakestherules.com and I'm sure I'll be trying those out soon. And we're having some issues with Mr. X sending me links and such to tips and advice on how to lead as a female. I know he's well intentioned, but it's going to have to stop. It feels like he's trying to "top from the bottom" and I can't have that. It's either my way (which is what he says he wants) or it's no go.

Anyway, progress! Little by little!

Unsubmissive Sub

So, I don't get it.

If this is what Mr. X SWEARS that he wants--has sworn up and down on several nights, in fact--then why is it so hard? Why doesn't he just do it?

It's been nearly two weeks since we started this "experiment", and I have one thing to note:

Our kitchen is not yet clean.

Our kitchen is roughly five foot square--no, I'm not kidding. It's not so much a kitchen as a really useful hallway from the garage to the dining room. It's five square feet of space and it's not clean yet.

So, if he wants me to give him tasks, things to do that will please me, why isn't this done? I've punished, I've told him he can't "take care of business" until it's done, I even tried to forbid him from watching the ER finale (Mr. X is an ER fan), and still, it's not done. I've asked nicely, I've tried asking flirtatiously. I've tried NOT asking and just leaving him to his own devices. I've tried nagging and not nagging.

Don't get me wrong, progress has been made. The fridge is clean enough to eat off the shelves (although now it is somewhat more on the empty side than is strictly useful) and portions of the counters are clean as can be. But there is a hideous abundance of dishes to be washed, the inside of the microwave is an environmental hazard, the new over-the-range microwave is still sitting in a box in the garage and the floor (which is supposed to be clean enough for him to eat off of) is STICKY. Words can't express how gross I find that.

No, the only way Mr. X will clean the kitchen is if I throw a magnificent fit and sit in the living room and supervise. Which is what is happening tonight.

And seriously? This is a bunch of crap. I'm not his mother, I ought not to have to constantly micromanage and supervise him. To me, if this is so difficult for him to do, then this is NOT what he wants. But he insists that he does want it.

I'm at a loss. Frankly, I'm not equipped to deal with this nonsense. To me, you act in accordance to your desires, right? If I want a sandwich, I make a sandwich. Then, when I want it, not two weeks later when someone bullies me into making it. If I have to sit on top of him and nag him and be a bitch, then this does not meet my needs. It does not make me happy.

It's starting to feel somewhat like Mr. X wants a Mama. This is the only thing I've really asked of him in two weeks. Just get the kitchen clean. If he'd have done it in a timely fashion, I'd have found another task, which is what he says he wants me to do.

And really, the kitchen wasn't a swampy hellhole to start with. It was messy, and it was in need of a solid spring cleaning. I get that the fridge took him a while, I respect that. But the reason this isn't done is because there was just SO MUCH to do, it's because Mr. X has been LAZY.

Maybe he can explain it to anyone reading in the comments section, because I'm at a loss.

Lifestyle vs. Fetish

When Mr. X first brought to my attention that he'd enjoy a more submissive role in our relationship, I admit that I lept before I looked. After all, I'm always open to trying almost anything once. So, when he told me what he'd like, I said "OK" without really thinking of the consequences of my decision.

It occurs to me now that there's a fine line between having a wife-led marriage and, well, being my husband's Mama. I am interested in the former, not so interested in the latter. I don't intend to parent anyone who did not emerge from my uterus, or whom I did not adopt. And, well, anyone who is not actually a child requiring parenting.

I am sure there are a lot of wrinkles we'll have to iron out, and this is the first. For the past week, this has felt more like mothering than being the mistress of the household. I've had to nag, cajole, threaten and punish, and he is still not toeing the line as I'd like.

I don't want to nag. I don't want to micromanage. I believe that if he really wants to be submissive, he will do as I've asked simply because I asked it. After all, if this is what he wants, then it should be easy for him. I should simply ask for what I need/want and it will be accomplished. If it cannot be accomplished, it will be discussed and an alternative that pleases me will be settled on. This requires communication on his part, and Mr. X has not historically excelled at communication.

Granted, I will have to cut him a bit of slack right now, as he's got a condition that we're both aware of, but that he had been negligent in attending to before we settled on this arrangement. He has since made an appointment to be seen by a doctor to diagnose and treat the condition, but this appointment is not until April 30, which is a considerable amount of time away. In the meantime, Mr. X has less than no energy, and is impossible to wake when he falls asleep. This leads to some considerable problems, as I'm sure you can imagine.

At any rate, we discussed this in detail last night after Mr. X completed his sentences, and I think what will help this feel less like parenting will be that Mr. X will continue to be responsible for his own self-care--he will bathe daily, will maintain exceptional personal hygiene and will continue to be responsible for waking and going to work in a timely fashion without my assistance.

I want this to be an arrangement that works to make everything for the better--that makes Mr. X happy and that makes our house run smoother. I'm not going to start sporting fetish wear as part of my everyday ensemble, and I won't start packing a riding crop in my purse (the corset imagery on the page is more to express femininity, and because I think they're pretty. And, well, I never said I wouldn't OCCASIONALLY want to bust out the leather corset). This is a real-life relationship--I love Mr. X and respect him as a person. Simply because our marriage has become wife-led does not indicate that we're changing anything other than who is the decision maker in our relationship.

I've been trying to find online evidence of other people who live the same way--who don't make this change and embrace the overt sexual tones that most people consider part of the lifestyle. It seems like a double standard that when the male is dominant, nobody automatically thinks of ball gags and bondage collars--but if the woman is in charge, people immediately start asking where your leather corset and male chastity gear are from. While the sexual component is part of this, for sure, Mr. X suggested this arrangement as a way to change our lives for the better, because he believes that I make better decisions for our family.

Anyway, I'll keep looking, but it's hard to find people who embrace the wife-led concept, but not the extremes of a BDSM lifestyle. I'll keep looking--Mr. X helped me find a few this evening, and I've linked the ones that interested me on the menu on the left. Happy reading!

Averagely Ordinary.

I am Miss X. If you met me in real life, away from the internet, you'd probably look right through me. Most anyone who saw me wouldn't think past considering that I'm a plain-jane, ordinary housewife. There isn't much remarkable about me on first sight, I fade easily into the woodwork. Although I'm opinionated and frequently witty, it would take time for you to notice that--that's if you even chose to engage me in conversation. My husband isn't much different. In fact, he's quiet, so there might not even be a time when you'd notice him enough to strike up a casual chat. If you did, you wouldn't get much out of him.

No, there's not much star quality about either of us. We're typical people, blending easily into crowds and going about our normal lives in a normal, average way. But, we have a secret. It's a secret life we play out under the perfect averageness of our every day. If you saw us in public and paid attention, you might notice something different about how we talk to each other, the roles we play.

Do you think you can guess our secret? It's not hard, given the clues above. Our secret is this--my husband is not the dominant character in our household. He is not the head, regardless that he brings home the paycheck. He does not make decisions, is not allowed to drive our family vehicle without permission. His first priority is to do my bidding in all things, from shaving my legs and brushing my hair, to doing the housework and providing me with a lifestyle that I can be pleased with.

This is not a blog about sex. It is an adult blog, but not for pornographic reasons. This is a blog for me to talk about what I am learning about our marriage and my husband. We have been together for ten years, and this is a facet of him that I am just now being introduced to. This is a place for me to talk about that and to discuss what it's like to be the controller of this relationship in a society where more frequently the male is dominant. We don't do heavy bondage, aren't into extremes of pain. I will spank him and inflict punishments on him for disobedience and not pleasing me, but nothing that would make any self-respecting male fear for his genital integrity.

This is not a place for judgment. As a friend of mine likes to say, everyone's got their kink. It doesn't matter what yours is, because whatever makes you and your partner happy is nobody's business but yours. This makes us happy right now--it might make us blissful for the rest of time, or we might decide this isn't us in a week or two. I don't know, but for now, this is who we are. There's an ass for every seat, and our asses have found this seat.

This IS a place for respectful conversation. I will delete anyone who cares to toss insults and denigrate our relationship. If you'd like to voice your negative opinions, start your own blog. If you'd like to ask questions or chat about our choices and what it's like to live this way, bring it on.

This is going to be a place to laugh and have fun. I will make jokes with Mr. X and at his expense as well. I enjoy a good laugh, and some say I have a great sense of humor. Not everything in our life centers around this, but Mr. X and I both believe that sailing is smoother with a woman captain, and I make the best decisions for our family. The focus of this blog will be our lifestyle roles, but occasionally there will be times to chat about other fun things.

This is also going to be a place for Mr. X to post his confessions and pictures of his punishments as they're needed. Perhaps I'll allow him to post his own opinions on the rare occasion when I allow him to have one.

Deep breath, now...game on!