Epiphanies

I think that I've been going about this all wrong. See, I had this CRAZY idea that punishments should be when things are done wrong, and when punishing, the punishment should not be something that the wrongdoer would enjoy.

The thing is, I'm a Mom. I came at the situation with a Mom perspective. Punishment is NOT to be fun. Punishment is to be...well, punishment! But submissive men are not like children. Submissive men with a masochistic bent are even LESS like children. This is a very, very good thing, because if you've been reading for a bit, you'll know that I struggle with finding ways to make this less like parenting.

Anyway, I had an experience with an all-weather padlock and Mr. X's testicles (used in conjunction) that sort of catalyzed an epiphany for me.

Mr. X needs kink-based punishments to make him want to serve. See, I had it backwards. I thought that if I gave him the physical punishment he wanted as a response to bad behavior, he'd continue to behave poorly in order to obtain more physical punishment. I was wrong! So wrong!

I'm learning now that what he needs in response to misbehavior is the physical punishment. Not as a reward, but as an enticement for him to do better next time. He might want the physical punishment as a masochist (and he might even enjoy it, too), but as a submissive guy, he also really NEEDS to please me. For Mr. X, that submissive part is wired a little tighter than the masochistic part, so regardless of how I punish him, he's not going to seek my wrath, because no matter how much he enjoys these punishments, they counter his desire to serve and please me. That desire will always trump the enjoyment he gets from the punishment.

HOWEVER, having said that, he still needs the punishment so he can get his fix and continue to want to serve me. After all, service without reward isn't fun and gets old after time. I can appreciate that.

But, I will say, that padlock is magic shit, people. He's been wrapped around my finger since, and I even let him have an orgasm that day. That's BIG--usually after an orgasm it takes him a day or two to get back to his more service-oriented self. After the padlock, though, he's been in the zone without any real effort from me. Like I said, I'm getting it.

And another thing that we're both getting is that this isn't fun if we make it work and force it to happen 24/7. Sometimes he isn't in a mood to listen to me. Sometimes I am not in a mood to dictate to him. Sometimes I just want to be Mr and Miss X and not Mr X the sub and Miss X the domme.

Sometimes I just want to kick my feet up in the recliner and not on his back. Sometimes I don't want to make decisions, and sometimes when he's had a bad day, Mr X doesn't want to have me demanding he do the dishes.

If this isn't fun, then it's not worth it to me. It's a lot of work and it's a lot of unlearning of habits that we've built up over 10 years. Sometimes we both need a break, even if it doesn't happen at the same time.

So we've got a token (it's the padlock) that sits in a place in our home now. It's not anything that anyone would think was strange or out of place, nothing we'll ever have to explain to my Mama. And if it's there, then game on. We're in the roles we both prefer to be. But, when he needs a break, or I do, for a day or two, the padlock gets hidden away. When it's not there, then we both know to keep it more "vanilla" or "traditional". This is only for breaks of a day or two, anything longer bears discussion. I'm just tired of him yanking this lifestyle off the table every time we have an argument. It's not fair and it's manipulation. I'm not willing to go back to what we had, especially since it didn't work and this is who I am.

And when I'm ready to get back into things, I put the lock back where it belongs. When he's ready, he presents the lock to me and gets to spend a little time wearing it before it goes back in its place. Although, I also kind of like the idea that before I put the lock back after a break I've initiated, he still needs to wear it for a while. Hmmm. that needs some more thinking about.

I like the idea--I like that it leaves his lack of submission for a time, or my lack of dominance in the "things unsaid" column for a while. We don't need to talk about everything, and often such conversation turns into an argument anyway. This solves the problem!

Status Quo

Mr. X and I had a conversation about his appalling behavior last night. He wasn't even aware that he'd reverted back to behaviors that have become habit over the course of our 10 year history.

I get that. I get that there's an element of habit in how we'd been treating each other, but if you don't make an effort to overcome bad habits, then they never go away.

Anyway, we're going to be working to find a way to help him break these habits. A sticker chart was mentioned, and although it feels like parenting to me, if he'd find it motivational, I'll do it. Getting the outcome I want is worth some effort...but I still need to be getting something back, too.

But, it's all about the journey, not the destination, eh? We'll plod along!

Diminished Capacity

It's possible that Mr. X thinks I'm an idiot. Or he'd at least LIKE to think that about me. But, I don't think it takes a rocket scientist to get the idea that he's only into being in an FLR when it suits him. I'll point out a few things that are leading me to this conclusion.

1. Yesterday morning, he was all over referring to me as "Miss X" and being super respectful. Oh--wait, did I forget to point out that he wanted a little bedroom play? And that once we got up and started our day, there was no more "Miss X", and we were back to our normal disrespectful "Yup" and "Sure" and "Whatever"? Don't think the connection was lost on me. I didn't even let him come, and he's STILL treating me like shit. He STILL only busts out the pseudo-respect when he thinks he stands to gain something.
   
2. He watched a movie last night that I didn't want to join him in watching. Wait, this requires backstory: He put our oldest child to bed last night, and while he was headed to her room, I advised him to not fall asleep on her floor, but to come back down so we could spend some time with each other. Also, I had the baby, and he needed to get her to bed, too. I waited over an hour, and then I gave up on him. I took the baby and went to bed. He then spent some time doing something on the computer and then came upstairs and WOKE ME UP to ask if I wanted to watch this movie. He watched it alone. At any rate, the movie was called Quarantine, and when I asked him what it was about this morning, he said "Quarantine" in a tone of voice that made me want to punch him, and went back to sleep.
3. The home maintenance tasks he agreed to take on himself and complete in a timely fashion are not being done. I need to point this out again: taking charge of the chores was HIS idea. He submitted a schedule of chores to me that HE would do, on a schedule that he submitted for my approval. None of those tasks got done. None of them are getting done. He is doing NOTHING that he promised he would do. This is a pattern we've apparently salvaged from our "vanilla" relationship...and boy did I ever hope it'd go far, far away.
   
4. I asked him to both post an intro at She Makes The Rules (which, I might add, is a site HE directed me to for information. I've become very active there, and I enjoy the people. I think it's not too much to ask for him to be involved in the site) and to post a blog entry here since he has yet to do so. I asked that he make his participation at SMTR a weekly occurrence at first, but advised that I'd want to see him participate more as he became more comfortable there. He posted one intro post there and has yet to post here. Oh, wait, it gets better--I asked him to do this BEFORE he watched a movie about a week ago, only to find neither request done, but the movie sure got watched.
5. My requests for daily showering and tooth brushing are being completely ignored. He is not putting on clean clothing daily. In fact, on each instance when we've come inside from swimming at the pool, he's failed to change out of his swim trunks, and simply wears them as pants.
6. I made a rule that he is to acknowledge that I am speaking to him verbally--as in, if I say something to him, I require a verbal response. He isn't doing this, which makes me feel ignored and disrespected.
7. His shitty attitude in general is pissing me off. I didn't like this sort of thing when we were in a "Regular" relationship, and it's making me even madder now.
   

What I'm getting here is that he thinks it's fun to play around with this when he wants to. He's yanking me around like I'm the one on a leash, and I have to say, I'm starting to lose some respect for him. I also don't really care if this embarrasses him or not--that I just posted on the internet that my husband cannot be bothered to bathe daily or to brush his teeth even one time a day--he stood next to me last night at the grocery store, talking to me, and my eyes literally watered from his breath. I don't understand why he thinks I'd want to be intimately involved with someone who clearly has so little self-respect. If nothing else, he should consider that *I* value myself enough to have higher standards than to want to kiss someone whose breath could clear a room.

And I also kind of hope it does embarrass him a little--I hope he can look at those things and say "She's right. I'm fucking this up." but I really don't think that Mr. X is capable of that level of introspection. Also? He's so completely unreliable that I wouldn't believe it if he DID tell me that he was wrong and he'd change. He'd have to show me, and Mr. X fails in that capacity every time we have issues. The laziness is completely unbelievable--there's rarely any action on his part, just a lot of hot air and meaningless rhetoric.

HE brought this idea (me being dominant) to my attention. HE wanted to do it. I said I would--and I'm positive that a lot of other women would have run for the hills. *I* did not. This was not my idea, it was HIS, so why am i getting so much freaking attitude about it?! I'm not forcing him to do anything he hasn't said he wanted OR anything that he hasn't suggested himself.

And, you know, I had this idea to do this scene for him next Saturday, when we already have a sitter for the girls, but it's too much work to do for such an asshole. This is ALL too much work to do for someone who's either too fucking lazy to live the way he SAYS he wants to live, or who's just too untrustworthy to be a man of his word. I'm about an inch away from doing what any smart person would do--I'm going to take my toys and go home and let him play by himself. I didn't enjoy being ignored and being second to his all-pervasive desire to sleep his ENTIRE life away BEFORE we started this, and it's even less fun when he's asking me to give him orders and then ignoring the fuck out of them.

This is bullshit. I'm furious and I'm completely over it.

Sassy Pants

Mr. X is getting sassy with me of late, and I am not pleased at all. To wit, we had this conversation last night.

Me: What happened to you replenishing my iced tea when I run out? It's been three days!
Mr. X: Oh really? I thought it had only been a day and a half.
Me: It sounds like you're criticizing me, Mr. X.
Mr. X: No, I'm just pointing out that you're exaggerating.
Me: Make some iced tea (I was gritting my teeth while I said this).
Mr. X: Yup.
Me: And that's another thing--didn't I tell you to call me Miss X?
Mr. X: Yup.
Me: Don't you mean "Yes, Miss X?"
Mr. X: *gusty sigh and major sarcastic tone* YES, Miss X.

And then...oh, you'll never guess what the little shit did to me then. Do you know what he did while he sarcastically obeyed me in a less than sincere and devoted way?

HE. ROLLED. HIS. EYES.

What should I do to my bratty husband who is behaving like a spoiled teenager?

I did what any good parent does to a bratty child. I ignored him.

**********

This has been the tone of our relationship for a bit now. Mr. X wanted to put our overt displays of my dominance on hold while a relative visited, and I agreed, because I am not insensitive to the position this "alternative lifestyle" puts Mr. X in.

However. Having met this close relative and his wife, I can safely say that nobody would have been shocked if Mr. X had "come out", so to speak. The men in his family tend to prefer their women a little on the....let's say "leadership oriented" track.

Regardless, I allowed him this courtesy. The houseguests left last week, and Mr. X has been all talk and no action since. He has been snotty and impossible to deal with. He has failed to obey me on any number of occasions, and has been downright inconsiderate to my face. I woudln't tolerate this in a "typical" relationship and I'll be damned if I'll deal well with it if I'm leading things. I think a retraining of sorts is in order, and I'm planning as we speak.

Because there are consequences for rolling your eyes at Miss X. And for not having iced tea when she wants it.

Golly. I think I just finished off another pitcher. Good thing it's bedtime...

You've been warned, Cowboy.